Help me write my comedy act.
My wife will say;
"Can't you ever be serious?!" "NO....I'm a comedian!!!!"
“Are you going to just sit there and change the channels because if you are I’m going to get up and leave. What are you watching?"
“Everything”
My wife is crazy...she is...she married me. When we fight I go right to
my ace.
"Do you want a divorce?"
"Why can't we just talk?"
My wife always asks me;
“What did you do today darling, darling?”
"I watched TV, took a nap, thought about stuff for my comedy act…I worked on my persona.
My wife thinks she lives in a hotel.
"Did you make a salad?”
Every night I make dinner and sometimes I won’t make a salad.
Just as we sit down she’ll ask if a salad has been made.
“Did you make a salad? What happened to the bag lettuce?”
She loves bag lettuce.
She doesn’t cook or clean. I don’t’ know how she lived before she met me.
Sometimes I’ll wait to see how long the toilet paper will stay off the roll. I’ll put up a new roll of paper right next to the seat so she can put it on the roll while she’s sitting there doing her business. But she doesn’t get the hint. I don’t think she knows how it works. I’m stunned but I never say anything. The soap is the same game. She’ll wait till it gets down to just a sliver.
My wife doesn’t communicate with the cats like me.
When you get married you can’t bring beer to bed anymore.
“You’re bringing beer to bed? You’re drinking?”
You ever hear this one….
”Why are you going this way?....Isn’t the other way faster? I think it is."
Every guy hears the same stuff! I go in cars with other couples and I try to learn from these other men on how they react when told their going the wrong way. They're more calm than me. They're pussies! They give a yes dear answer or something like that.
I never take a limo to the airport….I take an ambulate.
When I travel now I ship my bags ahead of time, I board the aircraft with just my passport & bible.
When I fly cross country they’ll ask me to lower my shade so the other passengers can watch the movie or the advertisements they have for their airline.
“Can you lower your shade sir? The other passengers can't see the screen.”
“NO! I am looking out at America! I want to see the land.! My land...my crazy land...with horses and cows and creatures of all sizes.”
Sometimes you can tell how old canned foods are by looking at the label. I have a can of peaches with Harry Truman on it.
My doctor will ask me how my stream is :
"How’s your stream?"
I never thought I would have that conversation. My stream was once strong and powerful. Now I’m lucky if I can get some dust out of it.
10 Comments:
Ewwww, dude... TMI... you're still the man though.
Dan
My wife says the same things! Although I would never ever be rude and use the C word. Unless the plane was going down with us on it and I had nothing to lose. The guy who calls you dude must not be married. What does "TMI" mean? Maybe it's "Too Much Information", which follows from the "Eww", but not exactly from the content of your gamey and fragmented post. The jokes about your wife were definitely funny, especially about the bag letuuce. Or maybe that was thge only unfunny part. I forget. Hey, I finished the Gumby script and need to send it to you. Is your email Kevin@KevinMeaney.com? Why don't I just call you?" Maybe because I hate talking, which is a problem since I am a voice teacher. OK, I will email you the script now. Maybe I'll post it right here in this little box. how much space is in this box ? Is it infinite? They say there are a trillion web sites, so maybe they could all fit in this one freakin' box! Can't I say "Fuckin'"? Or do you have an assistant who edits out cusses? I wish I could use the C word because my whole body is shaking with the need to say it and really emphasize the ending "unt" part like one of those rappers. My son Casey is 17 now and every song is full of swears. It's the abnormal songs that don't have swears. Rags, I'll send you the script. Love to M and K! -MO
Dude, that was a long-ass post!
I bought my wife a great new bag on QVC its both a garment and body bag.
I carry the clean clothes in and the dead wife out.
A little aruba humor
I've got to side with your wife about the bag lettuce.
Since bag lettuce has been around, my life is so much simpler. But the ground squirrels in my yard aren't getting nearly as much fiber. I waste significantly less lettuce.
I suppose I could offer them some of the bag lettuce, but I happen to enjoy fiber as well.
Maybe not AS well, but I enjoy it.
I just bought a boat.
My wife says, "What do you want a thing like that for?"
I told her, "So I don't sink when I'm putting the top up. ...You see, it's a pontoon boat. Yes, a pontoon boat, complete with swivvle seats and a hidden cooler for beer under a couch... or at least that's what the seat along the back rail looks like. "That's the boat couch, dear," I said to her. "Leather apolstry, padded..."
"That's nicer than my couch."
I bought it ...and she calls it HER couch.
She says, "If you bought a couch for me as nice as that boat-couch, than maybe we'd be getting somewhere."
...Where in the hell does she think the her couch ...which is really MY couch... is going?! I mean, really, two men from the store deliver it, press it against the far wall and there it sits until I can't find my wallet. I mean, that's the only reason I'd ever move it. Certainly not to vacuum behind or check for monsters. I don't care how much the kids cry.
"Daddy, there's monsters behind the couch!"
"Aw, shut up and go stand in the corner." Now there's something that'll teach children. Conforming their faces to a 90 degree angle. Well, childrens heads are pliable, or so I've heard. And here I thought I was doing them a favor. "You can't see the monsters with your faces in there, can you?"
definition of standup-a police lineup minus 5 guys.
wow-lots of people tonight.are there any Hecklers in the crowd.I saved them a table up front-those comeback lines are my property.
When other men complain about they're verbose wifes I alway tell them to get a job like mine, I get 5 days a week off, I only have to listen to it for 2 days! sometime when I work overtime only 1 day.
In my house we don't argue at all, it's a lot easier to agree with her up front rather than at 3am in the morning.
My wife said I never understand what is important to her, Because I really care I asked what that is? Man did she go off on me! Go figure.
Bag lettuce, bag lettuce, how does bag lettuce grow? Do they grow on vines, bushes, or do they grow-up from sprouts that pop out of the ground in baggies?
How do they harvest bag lettuce; a riding mower with a bagger?
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